Sometime I wonder if I live in a laboratory. I have no absolute way of knowing what effects my conduct or actions will have. To live my life for the outcome is to sentence myself to continuous frustration and to hang over my head the threat that death may at any moment make my having lived a waste. My only sure reward is in my action, not from them. The quality of my reward is in the depth of my response, the central ness of the part of me I act from.

Because the results are unpredictable, no effort of mine is doomed to failure. And even a failure will not take a form I imagine.” It will be interesting to see what happens” is the more realist attitude towards future.

As I look back on my life, one of the most constant and powerful thing I experienced is the desire to become more than I am at the moment. An unwillingness to let my mind remain in the pettiness where it idles, a desire to increase the boundaries of my self- a desire to feel more, learn more, express more, a desire to grow, improve , purify, expend. I used to interpret this inner push as meaning that there is some thing out there that I wanted to do or be or have. And I have spent too much time of my life trying to find it. But now I know that this energy  within me is seeking more than the profession, or pleasure, or security, or power, or meaning. It is seeking to be being rather than becoming, it is seeking more of me; or better, it is releasing more of me.